A message to Tom Cruise: Knock it off!

As the Christmas season fast approaches, the movie industry prepares to roll out some of it's biggest projects of the year. The holiday season is one of the bussiest times for movie theaters as an influx of mall shoppers, and let's be honest, Jews, crowd into darkened rooms to escape all of the Gentile consumerism and goodwill. So with all of Yahweh's Chosen crowded into one place, what couldn't be a better time to premiere a film about Nazi's?

Valkyrie starring Tom Cruise, tells the story of the (movie spoiler!) FAILED assasination attempt of Hitler by a group of Nazi dissenters led by Colonel Claus von Staffenburg (Cruise). Perhaps they thought that with a name like "Claus" they could try and pass it as a Christmas flick. The preliminary critiques all hint that it may actually be good. What they forget to factor though was what I call the "Cruise factor" where you take a good story and ruin it by putting an undersized egotist as it's main character. Now I don't know you're personal feelings about Tom Cruise, but I despise him. Sure he was good in Top Gun, but fighter pilots are supposed to be short. Boxers and Nazi Storm Troopers? I think not. It's not his height that I look down on him for (I'm 6'2'' so I guess a little bit) but his need to play the shining saviour in nearly every one of his films.

Take the film The Last Samuri (2003) a film which in my opinion tells a great story. It's a great story until Tom Cruise shows up, becomes the last Samuri and completely steals Ken Watanabe's thunder. Explain to me how a white guy from California can be the last Samuri? He can't, unless of course he's Tom Cruise, then all reality can be suspended so his pearly choppers can fill up the celluloide while my choppers grind against each other in anger.

So to all my Jewish friends out there: On Christmas day don't go to the movies. Stay home, play in the snow, volunteer at a homeless shelter, paint the living room, call Grandma in Florida, just don't go wasting your money on a Nazi film starring Tom Cruise. The guy isn't even German. He doesn't even put on an accent in the film. If that doesn't show you his lack of talent, I don't know what does. Besides, wouldn't you rather go see a film where Hitler actually gets what's coming to him?

-McGair